I live in a box of paints...

...at least I plan too for awhile... Having studied art in college, I always planned on making a living as an artist, (didn't we all.) That is not so much my goal anymore. Now I just paint because I literally have to, to stay sane...(my version of sane)
I love art, it is in my blood. I think about painting and creating all day long and into the night. I dream my paintings into existence.
However when it comes to the actually process I have always taken a half-arse approach.
I don't take the time to work on my sketches, I often paint while watching movies, I procrastinate- oh how well I do that. I often take it all for granted.
I have always been a stubborn art student- well student in general. The potential is under the surface but my laziness or bullheadedness~ often keeps me from getting to that place.
I remember sitting in art classes thinking- rules, art shouldn't have rules. I'm going to do it my way. I still possess this "quality"- but with more maturity. I don't like to follow any formulas when painting, sculpting etc. I don't want to follow any rules- I am desperate for originality and depth.Somehow I find answers or ask important question in these globs of paint.
But...I believe that in order for me to progress, succeed and learn I must follow the rules by being organized (and this is relative), doing my very best, devoting real time to hone my skills (I will only get out what I put in), and presentation (aka quit being sloppy)
So in the spirit of personal growth I am challenging myself.

1) get up and go to the sunrise cycling class
Seriously folks...I know this would do wonders for my life. I am desperate to do it, but the cozy covers on my bed grab me by the hair, wrap around my shoulders and hold me captive every morning. No more, I say...I will get my flabby butt out of that bed and make myself proud.

2) I'm going to finish the series of paintings I have been talking about, dreaming about, sketching and putting off for forever. No more : I don't have the time, I'm not in the right head space, I need better supplies, blah blah blah Nope I'm gonna do it. No more movies, no more constant cleaning, no more whatever it is I do when I'm not doing what I want.
The plan is to organize the school/art room. It is a mess and no one could be creative in that space. My hubby is on board with this b/c he is sick of me talking about painting and not doing it. Then every night I'm gonna paint, without distractions.
These are the goals...they are big but I am up to the challenge.
I refuse to be an old lady sitting on the porch thinking, "why didn't I live life to the fullest when I had the energy and vivaciousness. "
no regrets...

Confessions from the hood...the mother-hood

Yesterday as I sat in a pool of olive oil and black beans in the middle of my kitchen floor, my dear and generous son, saw me, wrapped his kind arms around my neck and said, "you are the best mom ever, and I love you just the way you are." (ahhh, melt)
How did I end up in this concoction, being comforted by my teenager? Well, I better back up some.

I have been having one of those days, (weeks, months...) where I feel like I just can't measure up.
To what? well, that is the part I figured out yesterday.
This newfound blog world has had me perusing all the wonderful mama blogs out there. I am amazed by all the creative and energetic moms. They are inspiring, provoking and educational. Blogging has given me a much needed creative outlet and a place to reflect and even feel connected. On the other hand it seems that I also compare myself to these great women and well, I feel like poo...when really I should be honoring their talents!
Lately, I have been trying so hard to fit this stereotype of mother/housewife. Making, well trying to make, pancakes and muffins for breakfast... cute crafting...baking...you know the whole thing...then I get pissed at myself that we're not getting up at the crack of dawn and being all organized, scheduled, and smiling neatly through our daily crafts... blah, blah, blah ( why don't I wear hand-made aprons and make Martha Stewart recipes? waaaa)
Yesterday I was in my, "typical as of lately", mode...trying to get pollywog and CJ to eat a good breakfast, do laundry, get rid of the ants that moved in yesterday, keep the kitchen clean (ha), all while trying to entertain and stimulate the kids and then, set the kiddie pool up in the front yard and let pollywog play in it b/c I was feeling guilty that we were not doing "summer things"- which was a task getting her in her suit, making snacks (that no one ate but me), filling water bottles (that no one drank but me), pool toys (that she didn't play with) , ahhh then finally in the pool, oh wait she would rather play in the grass...(of course) -okay it's nap time...now it's dinner time, let her play with dry beans in a pot while I make dinner and, (yes, clean up the kitchen) oh I forgot about the wet laundry in the washer all day...she is throwing beans all over the floor, large bottle of olive oil slips from my hands and breaks on the ground, olive oil everywhere----I give up and plop to the floor. This is where my son and his kind words comes in.
Thankfully my husband walks into the door a few minutes later and I promptly, walk out of it to get some air.
As I drove around I wondered, why am I having such a hard time navigating my life right now?
Well- I realized, b/c I am trying to live someone else's.
As I continued to reflect I realized- I don't know who I am anymore. I have been trying so hard to be this perfect mom, that I regularly forget to just be me, as a mom.
(I have also let fear take over my life. I envy mom's who don't worry daily about their toddler choking on foods, or getting hurt or sick. Letting them gnaw on sticks and explore their independence- (this is a whole other thing I am working on...I promise, I'm really not a total mess)
anyway.....a weight began to lift from my shoulders as I began to remember the me, under all this "stuff".
Me...the girl who loves to drive with the windows down listening to music. Me...the artist who sees colors and images and life in everything. Me...the wanna be surfer chic.
Me...the woman who loves to have a home full of laughter, creativity and freedom.
Me...the woman always ready to try something new. Me...impulsive, naive, silly and flighty. Me...the girl who still gets excited sometimes that I can stay up as late as I want. Me...the woman who loves to dance. Me...the mom who loves slumber parties with my hubby, son and daughter. Me...the lady who doesn't like to clean- and really doesn't like to cook except sometimes when I am in the mood (did I mention I cannot make pancakes to save my life.) Me...the girl who still puts on pretend cooking shows while cooking. Me...the little girl who is still mourning the loss of her daddy, me... my daddy's girl.
I love goals, and I still want to learn to sew, learn to play my mandolin, get up early and work out, learn to be somewhat organized, learn some craft ideas, learn some yummy recipes, learn to not let fear control my life...
The truth is that the skills... of being a mom and housewife don't come easy to me. I am just not good at it by nature. What does come easy is loving my kids, coming up with good ideas, having fun and always being there to listen, and supporting them. The rest, well I have to try really hard at.
but, yesterday I learned that my aspirations have to be my own, not someone else's. I also learned through the words of my son, that I am fine, just the way I am. In fact he said,
I 'm the best.

Busy girl

(Here are some images from a busy girl's day.)
I have been planning to make pollywog a dolly. She is so loving and is always hugging and kissing her stuffed animals. Yesterday while at the store, she spotted a baby doll. Just like a little girl, she was oohing and awwing...she held her (while in the box) kissing her. I caved and bought her the dolly. I still plan to make her one, but this is her first official baby doll. Do you think she likes her?




Our morning ritual that delights her...


Getting to go in brother's room, is always a special thing for baby. Getting to watch him play video games, or even play with his Leggos, now that is exciting! (can't you just see the excitement on his face...) ...(I highly recommend the magazine, Breakaway that you can see in the last picture, if you have a teen boy- there are ones for girls too.)

Be Still and Wonder

This morning we awoke to the life, giving rain- We sat in front of the window letting the mist, spray our face.
We watched the patterns the rain made- we pretended the rushing water in the drain outside was a river. I believed it
danced to Joni Mitchell and I closed my eyes and sang from my heart.
mmmmm, life...today... I grasp you... (or maybe, you grasped me)

these are a few of my favorite things

Here is a list of some items I am really enjoying.

1) Under the Green Corn Moon cd. This cd is full of wonderful, Native American lullabies.
We all enjoy listening to these songs. They are soothing and sweet.
Pollywog loves to dance to the music and when she hears it at night, she knows it's bedtime. Here is a sample of the tunes.



2) Pollywog's Foogo has been a nice addition. There are no harmful chemicals, it's cute, and her beverages stay cold during the summer heat.

3) My new Tevas
These just recently replaced my old ones, that I had for the last 5 years. I love these flip flops because they are durable, they don't slip on wet rocks or poolside, and they support my ankle. The new ones I got, don't have a strap between the toe, they just slide on. I love them!




4) My husband's home-made, dark chocolate chip cookies. They are delicious, and our ruining my healthy challenge (yeah, I need to write about that soon, later...) My hubby is amazing in the kitchen. He makes the best breakfasts ( I suck at this) and his brownies and cookies are always moist, how does he do this? I am munching on some now while pollywog is napping.

5)olive oil...this stuff is magic, really. It has now replaced my moisturizer, has polished my woods in the house, and healed a burly sunburn I was sporting, ouch! Here is 101 uses for olive oil.








6)baskets, pottery, wooden bowls and glass jars... Getting rid of the plastic and liquid soaps, in my house has not only been beneficial for our health, but also esthetically pleasing. The beautiful bars of soap lay in wooden bowls I've collected from flea markets over the years, and they hold my produce divinely.
Baskets and pottery, house a number of items like pollywog's toys, pens and pencils, art supplies, breads, and bathroom items. Glass jars are filled with various cooking, liquids that are illuminated by sunlight. I love the large, glass canisters that are filled with flours, sugars and grains. I am still on the look out for more of these, b/c you just cannot have enough. I am especially looking for a wooden, salad bowl set and pepper grinder, (right now I use my mortar and pestel)




7) Lapsang Souchong tea...Oh my I love this tea. A long time ago, I spent a summer traveling around Portland, Oregon and then Colorado. While in Portland I went to the Tao of Tea and had some of this tea. It has a smoky, campfire taste...really. It's actually really mellow and woodsy.
I bought some and took it with me to Colorado. Now whenever I smell or drink this tea, I am immediately taken back to the cool, crisp mornings of Colorado. It's great iced too.