on my mind

The past few days have been both difficult and an answer to prayer.
My son started an accelerated high-school National Guard program.
That's probably sugar coating it, but overall this is what it is.
He will be away from all of us till this summer 
and it is safe to say he will be facing some of the hardest challenges of his life.
It was very hard to leave him. He was brave and seemed determined.
He is ready to do some personal chiseling.
I was unbelievably proud and inspired by his courage.
I wish I could say I was as strong but my blubbering in the corner showed my weakness.
How do you let go?
I never realized how hard it is to let go.
When I look at him I see my little guy with the bowl cut.
The one who snuggled next to me in bed till he was a big kid.
The one I grew up with . Who comforted me just as much as I did him.
He is now the age I was when I had him. 
That blows my mind.
He is my best friend. 
I have told him this for years and I still feel the same...
if he wasn't my son I would want him to be my friend.
He is one of the most awesome people I know.

This has been such a damn hard past few years.
The death of my confidante and father.
B and I going our separate ways
and ALL that happens after that.
My son and daughter have carried their own personal trials and stories from this decision
but it has been two years now and life goes on and we are all figuring it out.
There has been a lot of GOOD too.
A lot of time to reflect, learn, grow and even blossom.
Pollywog is doing amazing and is happy, stable and adjusted.
CJ I think took the brunt of it all.
The middle of the teenage years is never a good time to weather storms.
He has scars...both emotionally and physical.
The physical having survived a major car accident not even a year ago.
His graduation is almost a year to the date of this accident.
I feel the guidance of all that is happening.
At night my dad comes to me.
During the day God speaks to me in whispers, in the sky, in my heart
and I know that we are on the path we are suppose to be on.
A mother wants to extract all the pain, sadness and hurt their children carry
and inject it into themselves and bare it.
but we can't.
we have to let them learn, fight for their dreams, and figure out who they are.
My arms will always be waiting to hold him
my love will never waver
and I will always be here when he needs me.
The biggest blessing I have found with being a mom is watching the love my kids have for one another.
Despite the age gap, the love is strong.
Pollywog will always have a protector in her bubbie
and he
will always have someone who believes he is a super hero!
make that two people who think that!