a bit of a plan for a non planner

one of my new year's resolutions is to work on being 
self-disciplined and self-motivated.
these are doozies for me.
when i make a commitment to something i am really good
about throwing myself fully into whatever it is.
however, in general i am one of those folks who is gun-ho at the beginning
of an endeavor only to fizzle out after the initial excitement.
my mantra's currently are:
stay consistent, be self-driven&disciplined, create good habits, and remember
you create the life you live!
ha...my knees quake just typing this.
one thing i am learning as i mature&grow
is that it is important to tailor goals to oneself.
meaning...know yourself.
i don't want to change my personality i want to work with it.
short term goals:
- getting back into shape is numero uno for me!
when my body is strong my mind and spirit feel strong.
not doing landscaping right now has made this mama soft and daily i feel the evidence 
of this mentally.
right now i really don't have the opportunity to hit the gym. financially and time
wise it is just not doable. so i have ordered various types of workout dvds
from the library that i am going to try out and see what ones work for me.
i have ordered ones like pilates style, yoga, dance, ballet barre workouts and zumba for example.
i will regularly write about ones i have tried and the pros&cons for me.
decades of passion for fitness has taught me what works for me and my body and what doesn't.
- healthy eating! i am pretty good about drinking my green smoothies each morning
but i must admit that in the winter&summer months they lack in excitement.
the organic greens are from a package and the fruit is mainly frozen fruit.
produce leaves much to be desired in this region. living on the west coast spoiled me.
i look forward to growing my own greens&veggies and picking them fresh daily for my smoothies.
in the meantime i am going to put more effort into finding fresh greens and fruit (aka the farm)
and going green smoothie cRazY! 
as well as incorporating more eggs, nuts, seeds and fish into said diet.
i know that my body thrives when i stick to simple.
beans&rice, grilled fish, fresh fruit&veggies, boiled eggs. 
spring&summer tend to inspire me more. 
(damn i wanna live somewhere warm year round...i've been saying this since i can remember)
- i am bringing back my "life in quotes" photo series.
i enjoyed stumbling upon quotes, poems and inspiring words and looking for 
  images to accompany them or vice versa.
it brought a sense of awareness to my day. i noticed small, beautiful details.
i plan to do this at least once a week.
- garden
i have spent the past few years focusing on my employers garden and
have not spent the time i would like planning and growing ours.
i always regret this later.
i have so much to learn.
the time i spend with pollywog observing&digging in the dirt
sitting among among the birds, perfume of tomatoes and sipping coffee in the mornings
is peaceful and spiritual for me.
so i am going to pour myself into this garden and reap the fruits of my labor.
before i get ahead of myself, let me stop here.
i am learning that when i set small steps it
  breeds success and is done at just the right pace.


i feel so much better since my last post.
it is truly amazing how much positive thoughts can alter the day.
i feel centered and focused and reminded that learning to 
let go and just flow
is powerful.
this evening the kids and i ordered pizza and had an impromptu picnic.

i tossed a blanket on the floor and we stuffed ourselves with the cheesy goodness.
i have not been cooking as much as i would like lately

i am letting go of putting this expectation on myself.
i know by now that i go through "phases"
so tonight we just enjoyed the simple pleasure of easy, and one another.

CJ indulged pollywog in her favorite activity
  "lego's with bubbie"
 seriously does it get any better than this?
(the kids teasing their mom. they say this is my mad face...makes me laugh every time)

i gave pollywog her own special diary.
she writes/draws in it regularly, it's pretty cute.

she pretends to lock it up and had bubbie write "DO NOT READ" on the front.
sometimes she lets me take a peek then tells me to forget what I just saw. :D
 the pages are full of amazing images that are so imaginative.
i love when she lets me see

"but not tonight mommy"...



change is a process not an event

i usually reserve this space for moments i want to treasure.
it's a place i hope my children can look back on when they are older and hear
my love and gratitude for them.
see our cherished memories.
get a glimpse of their childhood and of their mom in her young days.

today though, i am going a different direction.
  my voice in this moment.
no crafts, recipes or flowered words to dress our simple but treasured days.
rather, just a woman who has ups and downs and is human.  
maybe it is the winter seasons
or maybe it is that i am nearing 35.
maybe it is a culmination of all that has occurred in the recent years
or maybe the past decade...
or maybe it is just the rhythms and cycles that are a part of life
or maybe it is all of the above- or none of the above.
-it is-
i am in the middle of it-
or the end as i prefer.
" it", i would describe as a sort of funk.
a feeling of restlessness.
a feeling that i am in eyes view of a path i should be on
but acutely aware it is not the one i am trekking currently.
or maybe i should rephrase as one that i realize is temporary and i know
needs to lead to something else.
the excitement of life i am so use to feeling, has seemingly vanished.
i have always been excited about life.
even when there have been nothing but obstacles and roadblocks
surrounding me,
which i can safely say has been the large percentage of my life.
maybe i am just tired of fighting.
fighting to live this life i know i am suppose to.
one that i have felt before in previous spurts in my life but was unable to maintain.
tired of hoping for better outcomes.
tired of living the motto of:
"if you do whats right, right will come to you."
i am starting to be cynical of this mantra.
  those who do wrong don't always get their just
and doing right doesn't mean everything will work out.
it feels like there has just been one difficult event after another and the stress has
gotten to me.
i have found myself in a state of un-well.
tired, chronic headaches, the mental blahs, sick, unmotivated and in a constant state of sad.
last night i found myself in the bathroom at 4 am staring at myself in the mirror and not recognizing 
staring back was a swollen eyed, miserable being.
so i prayed.
i asked God for his strength and help.
more than that i promised to do my part.
i cannot change others...but i can change me.
so i told him i would fight for my health. i would exercise and eat healthy and utilize
my wisdom and knowledge on health, on myself.
i would fight for joy and peace.
not let all that is and was, swallow me up.
i would be diligent in creating the life in unison with my beliefs.
surrounding myself and my children around good, positive, kind and healthy people and situations.
moving away from that which creates sadness, friction and negativeness.
i realized it is time to truly move forward in every realm of our lives.
i told God i would fight for this life that i know i am suppose to lead.
one of simplicity, beautiful surroundings, a creative community, in tune with the earth
self sustaining, self employed. where i am able to raise my kids in a present way.
that i would face each hurdle, one at a time and scale it.
rather than looking at all of them at once.
that i would not let all that is, get me down.
this morning when i awoke this prayer/cry out to God was still very much with me.
and i reminded myself that change is a process not an event.
so i am beginning that process today.
with this pounding head-ache, sore wisdom teeth, blah fatigue and tug of the blues
i choose hope and positive baby steps.
i am praying doors will open and i will have the foresight to walk through them.
 our lives are good here-but- i know that it is time to move forward into what is in store.
it is time to create not wait.
life is passing quickly.
  baby step goals:
- save money for wisdom teeth removal
- register for summer classes
- pollywog swim lessons (she is so excited about her soccer team that starts next month!)
- garden (gotta order those seeds and get to work on this)
- green smoothies daily (i need to get on the smoothie challenge train again. anyone want to join this?)
- exercise daily (just got some dance dvds!)
- experiment with new and healthy recipes
- be diligent in healthy eating around here
- hike and journal more
- spend time with my friends. i am always turning down invites. i need to socialize a bit more.
- farm visits
- start new blog endeavor: life in quotes, color series, solo mom series
 ( i enjoyed so much the life in quotes and color series i did here a couple of years ago. solo mom would be my reflections and images from days i spend with myself in the woods, or on the farm, etc)
    Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
 Romans 12:12

In dwelling, live close to the ground.
In thinking, keep to the simple.
In conflict, be fair and generous.
In governing, don't try to control.
In work, do what you enjoy.
In family life, be completely present.
- tao te ching

i already feel better :)

spring cleaning and stuffs

 (tickle bug)
we have had a busy weekend of eating yummy food
playing board&card games
and organizing, de-cluttering and spring cleaning (i even dusted my wooden blinds!).
pollywog has definitely inherited her mommy's love for
re-arranging and refreshing rooms.
the two of us went through her room and got rid of quite a bit.
outgrown clothes and toys and the general collection of junk.
then we found a new arrangement for her room.
its amazing how the energy shifts in the home when bits&pieces are
moved here and there.
she was soon playing with forgotten toys.
i moved my bathroom, bedroom and kitchen things around.
i love the cubby shelving!
next on my list is the living room and sunporch.
i want to create a space for organizing.
containers for school supplies, gymnastic, soccer and swimming gear
car keys, hats, jackets, etc, along with my bulletin board of schedules, calendars and to do's.
i will add the pictures of the final results of this in a later post.
the goal is to finish said items today.
pollywog has followed me around helping to organize, fold laundry
and decide what should stay and go. i am thankful that she is not 
attached to "things".
she also has slowly been putting on my old slips and dancing around the house
playing make believe with junk tossed on the table.
tomorrow i will not be going to the farm as the little one has a day off from school.
her and i will spend the day planning our garden and her little garden
getting seeds (were behind in this endeavor) and doing some
crafts with Mod Podge!
more photos to come.
Mantra for today: believe in the power of positive thinking&speaking.

weekend moment

A single photo or photos- no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

happy valentines day

::our monday::

 Pollywog is feeling much better!
 I did keep her home from school one more day
to make sure her immune system was boosted and ready to fight off
all the colds and viruses swirling around.
We woke to inches of snow that continued to flurry most of the day.
This made for a cozy day indoors.
She spent much of the day in imaginative play.
Listening to "Anne of the Island" on her stereo while playing with her dolls.
She "washed" the dishes in her kitchen
and made mommy banana pancakes 
i love eating lunch together
chatting about this and that and enjoying our girl time.
we made Valentine cards and crafts for loved ones
then decorated the walkway for grandma who was coming by to exchange 
cards and candy
 by spraying food color on hearts we drew in the snow.
a cozy monday with my favorite gal

chicken soup for the cold

The little one has been fighting a cold.
I am thankful, so thankful, for her seemingly strong immune system.
I credit 3 years of breastfeeding among other variables.
Because she is so rarely "under the weather" I become vigilant when "bugs" occur
  to prevent any escalation of illness.
I made a large pot of home-made chicken noodle soup
full of lots of garlic.
Garlic is used often around her to prevent sickness
and fight the ones we get.
I have also upped her Vitamin C intake, 
and I have been adding a bit of peppermint oil to her humidifier at night.
Because she does have a cough she has taken to drinking hot tea
with lemon and honey several times a day. This seems to make her feel much better.
The best cure though is still the cuddling mommy gives!
I am so thankful that my work allows me the flexibility to stay home when my kids need me!

Cabin fever is ensuing.
We have played with the toys I keep tucked away for special times, 

Watched movies, colored and enjoyed visits from friends
but its just so gosh darn cold out that we haven't ventured our in 5 days!
Today we are going to bundle up and sip some tea on the front porch!
I feel spring around the corner as the veggies in the greenhouse on the farm 
are growing and seedlings have sprouted almost ready for March planting!
BTW I started at the farm and spent my first day harvesting spinach for the CSA.
I'll be posting pics of the farm soon!

oh the places you'll go

I miss my son.
He is away at military school.
It has been surprisingly hard.
I have been completely unprepared for just how difficult 
"letting go" 
would be.

He is 17 years old. Practically a man, but I still see this boy.
My first born.
The relationship a mother has with her son is something
I don't have words for.
 It is profound.
He has been, to date, the most influential teacher in my life.
He is a mirror to myself.
The often uncomfortable process of facing oneself
chipping at imperfections juxtaposed with appreciating who I am
via this vehicle of parenthood.
I have been pushing at sadness daily since he left.
I haven't slept through the night once.
There is this heaviness I carry.
I know it will get easier...and that there will be much joy, new joy
in watching him create his life and continue becoming a man.

One good thing about all of this are the letters.
He writes me everyday and I write him everyday, sometimes twice.
We have never exchanged letters. It's safe to say he has never sent a letter before this.
There is something special about sharing ones thoughts this way.
I feel I am getting to know a whole other side of him, and him, me.
Mail time has become very important around here.
Today I wanted to send him my feelings about him, his life...but words did not come easily.

So instead I glued pictures from magazines and sent him these words
They perfectly described all that I felt regarding him: 
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own.  And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets.  Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don't worry.  Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.


You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted.  But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out?  Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored.  there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame!  You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)


be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!
~ Dr. Seuss

winter pace

I find myself making less time to write here.
Between teaching at the preschool, enjoying time with pollywog,
and all the various activities that come our way each day
 i find that any down time i have i spend reading, or watching dvds, 
or researching farms.
It's not to say were not enjoying ourselves round here.
We are!
The past few days we have been busy celebrating my niece"s birthday.
Thursday we all went out to dinner.
Friday my sister, her daughter (the bday girl), pollywog, myself, our mother and the birthday girl's
other grandmother went to see "Annie" at the theater.
It was truly a special event.
The little ones got all dolled up and were so excited to watch, this play,
that they have been singing songs to the past couple of years.
I felt myself tearing up watching my lil one clapping and singing along.
Afterwards there were cupcakes and sleepy girls.
My camera was acting up and unfortunately I lost the pictures from this wonderful occasion.
Today we enjoyed a quiet, and much needed restful day.
The little one watched a movie in a fort 

and the rest of the day was spent in imaginative play
and lots of snuggle time.
As I type this she is nestled up against me.
Tomorrow we have Family Sunday Dinner!
This is a tradition we are all committed to.
Pollywog is loving school. She is beginning to work on reading. 
She also begins gymnastics soon and we are contemplating starting violin this spring.
Monday I start my part-time internship at a local organic farm.
I am excited for this opportunity and the doors that will open and folks I will meet.
 Life is good.
We are in the winter pace.
Quiet, reflective, togetherness.