change is a process not an event

i usually reserve this space for moments i want to treasure.
it's a place i hope my children can look back on when they are older and hear
my love and gratitude for them.
see our cherished memories.
get a glimpse of their childhood and of their mom in her young days.

today though, i am going a different direction.
  my voice in this moment.
no crafts, recipes or flowered words to dress our simple but treasured days.
rather, just a woman who has ups and downs and is human.  
maybe it is the winter seasons
or maybe it is that i am nearing 35.
maybe it is a culmination of all that has occurred in the recent years
or maybe the past decade...
or maybe it is just the rhythms and cycles that are a part of life
or maybe it is all of the above- or none of the above.
-it is-
i am in the middle of it-
or the end as i prefer.
" it", i would describe as a sort of funk.
a feeling of restlessness.
a feeling that i am in eyes view of a path i should be on
but acutely aware it is not the one i am trekking currently.
or maybe i should rephrase as one that i realize is temporary and i know
needs to lead to something else.
the excitement of life i am so use to feeling, has seemingly vanished.
i have always been excited about life.
even when there have been nothing but obstacles and roadblocks
surrounding me,
which i can safely say has been the large percentage of my life.
maybe i am just tired of fighting.
fighting to live this life i know i am suppose to.
one that i have felt before in previous spurts in my life but was unable to maintain.
tired of hoping for better outcomes.
tired of living the motto of:
"if you do whats right, right will come to you."
i am starting to be cynical of this mantra.
  those who do wrong don't always get their just
and doing right doesn't mean everything will work out.
it feels like there has just been one difficult event after another and the stress has
gotten to me.
i have found myself in a state of un-well.
tired, chronic headaches, the mental blahs, sick, unmotivated and in a constant state of sad.
last night i found myself in the bathroom at 4 am staring at myself in the mirror and not recognizing 
staring back was a swollen eyed, miserable being.
so i prayed.
i asked God for his strength and help.
more than that i promised to do my part.
i cannot change others...but i can change me.
so i told him i would fight for my health. i would exercise and eat healthy and utilize
my wisdom and knowledge on health, on myself.
i would fight for joy and peace.
not let all that is and was, swallow me up.
i would be diligent in creating the life in unison with my beliefs.
surrounding myself and my children around good, positive, kind and healthy people and situations.
moving away from that which creates sadness, friction and negativeness.
i realized it is time to truly move forward in every realm of our lives.
i told God i would fight for this life that i know i am suppose to lead.
one of simplicity, beautiful surroundings, a creative community, in tune with the earth
self sustaining, self employed. where i am able to raise my kids in a present way.
that i would face each hurdle, one at a time and scale it.
rather than looking at all of them at once.
that i would not let all that is, get me down.
this morning when i awoke this prayer/cry out to God was still very much with me.
and i reminded myself that change is a process not an event.
so i am beginning that process today.
with this pounding head-ache, sore wisdom teeth, blah fatigue and tug of the blues
i choose hope and positive baby steps.
i am praying doors will open and i will have the foresight to walk through them.
 our lives are good here-but- i know that it is time to move forward into what is in store.
it is time to create not wait.
life is passing quickly.
  baby step goals:
- save money for wisdom teeth removal
- register for summer classes
- pollywog swim lessons (she is so excited about her soccer team that starts next month!)
- garden (gotta order those seeds and get to work on this)
- green smoothies daily (i need to get on the smoothie challenge train again. anyone want to join this?)
- exercise daily (just got some dance dvds!)
- experiment with new and healthy recipes
- be diligent in healthy eating around here
- hike and journal more
- spend time with my friends. i am always turning down invites. i need to socialize a bit more.
- farm visits
- start new blog endeavor: life in quotes, color series, solo mom series
 ( i enjoyed so much the life in quotes and color series i did here a couple of years ago. solo mom would be my reflections and images from days i spend with myself in the woods, or on the farm, etc)
    Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
 Romans 12:12

In dwelling, live close to the ground.
In thinking, keep to the simple.
In conflict, be fair and generous.
In governing, don't try to control.
In work, do what you enjoy.
In family life, be completely present.
- tao te ching

i already feel better :)