Yesterday as I sat in a pool of olive oil and black beans in the middle of my kitchen floor, my dear and generous son, saw me, wrapped his kind arms around my neck and said, "you are the best mom ever, and I love you just the way you are." (ahhh, melt)
How did I end up in this concoction, being comforted by my teenager? Well, I better back up some.
I have been having one of those days, (weeks, months...) where I feel like I just can't measure up.
To what? well, that is the part I figured out yesterday.
This newfound blog world has had me perusing all the wonderful mama blogs out there. I am amazed by all the creative and energetic moms. They are inspiring, provoking and educational. Blogging has given me a much needed creative outlet and a place to reflect and even feel connected. On the other hand it seems that I also compare myself to these great women and well, I feel like poo...when really I should be honoring their talents!
Lately, I have been trying so hard to fit this stereotype of mother/housewife. Making, well trying to make, pancakes and muffins for breakfast... cute crafting...baking...you know the whole thing...then I get pissed at myself that we're not getting up at the crack of dawn and being all organized, scheduled, and smiling neatly through our daily crafts... blah, blah, blah ( why don't I wear hand-made aprons and make Martha Stewart recipes? waaaa)
Yesterday I was in my, "typical as of lately", mode...trying to get pollywog and CJ to eat a good breakfast, do laundry, get rid of the ants that moved in yesterday, keep the kitchen clean (ha), all while trying to entertain and stimulate the kids and then, set the kiddie pool up in the front yard and let pollywog play in it b/c I was feeling guilty that we were not doing "summer things"- which was a task getting her in her suit, making snacks (that no one ate but me), filling water bottles (that no one drank but me), pool toys (that she didn't play with) , ahhh then finally in the pool, oh wait she would rather play in the grass...(of course) -okay it's nap time...now it's dinner time, let her play with dry beans in a pot while I make dinner and, (yes, clean up the kitchen) oh I forgot about the wet laundry in the washer all day...she is throwing beans all over the floor, large bottle of olive oil slips from my hands and breaks on the ground, olive oil everywhere----I give up and plop to the floor. This is where my son and his kind words comes in.
Thankfully my husband walks into the door a few minutes later and I promptly, walk out of it to get some air.
As I drove around I wondered, why am I having such a hard time navigating my life right now?
Well- I realized, b/c I am trying to live someone else's.
As I continued to reflect I realized- I don't know who I am anymore. I have been trying so hard to be this perfect mom, that I regularly forget to just be me, as a mom.
(I have also let fear take over my life. I envy mom's who don't worry daily about their toddler choking on foods, or getting hurt or sick. Letting them gnaw on sticks and explore their independence- (this is a whole other thing I am working on...I promise, I'm really not a total mess)
anyway.....a weight began to lift from my shoulders as I began to remember the me, under all this "stuff".
Me...the girl who loves to drive with the windows down listening to music. Me...the artist who sees colors and images and life in everything. Me...the wanna be surfer chic.
Me...the woman who loves to have a home full of laughter, creativity and freedom.
Me...the woman always ready to try something new. Me...impulsive, naive, silly and flighty. Me...the girl who still gets excited sometimes that I can stay up as late as I want. Me...the woman who loves to dance. Me...the mom who loves slumber parties with my hubby, son and daughter. Me...the lady who doesn't like to clean- and really doesn't like to cook except sometimes when I am in the mood (did I mention I cannot make pancakes to save my life.) Me...the girl who still puts on pretend cooking shows while cooking. Me...the little girl who is still mourning the loss of her daddy, me... my daddy's girl.
I love goals, and I still want to learn to sew, learn to play my mandolin, get up early and work out, learn to be somewhat organized, learn some craft ideas, learn some yummy recipes, learn to not let fear control my life...
The truth is that the skills... of being a mom and housewife don't come easy to me. I am just not good at it by nature. What does come easy is loving my kids, coming up with good ideas, having fun and always being there to listen, and supporting them. The rest, well I have to try really hard at.
but, yesterday I learned that my aspirations have to be my own, not someone else's. I also learned through the words of my son, that I am fine, just the way I am. In fact he said,
I 'm the best.
